The Rot of Self-promotion and Gas-lighting

Recently I heard someone giving an account of his work before a board of governors in an institutional context. Some recent coup had been effected in which the acquisition of a significant asset vital to improving the quality of instruction was donated to the school. The man speaking about the coup spoke as though he had solicited and secured the donation himself; it was subtle, worded in indirect discourse, as though he was speaking to the donor. (This is par for the course in his case – a pattern over several years, and I had to leave the room. Then and there.)

Now, of course, I was the one who had secured the donation, and I really didn’t think it was much of an accomplishment, really. I just made a phone call. I had no desire for the credit. What does it matter?

Now, my leaving the room was abrupt. Looking back I can say that feeling in my being was akin to what happens to me physically when I encounter a beet on my plate or whipped cream on my milk shake – I retch. This man (who just does not know how to listen at all) was standing there, taking credit before the board of governors, credit for something I know HE knew he did NOT do, and it made me retch.

Later, when I confronted him, the speaker claimed he did not know that I had secured the donation. He actually thought that I was angry for not getting the credit. As usual, he missed the point. Whenever I have confronted him on other matters, there is always a wriggling deflection. ‘That was not my understanding…I thought so and so was going to do that…I don’t remember it that way…oh, I must have been busy in my office surfing the net watching the tractor races or the Lady Cornhusker chess team…’

These phrases are the tells of a natural gaslighter – he believes he is not lying or deceiving, but he is. (Well, trying to deceive, but not succeeding, anyway) Gaslighting is a particularly insidious kind of lying, and a type of bullying in which the perpetrator insists that their quarry abandon observations they have made. This man was critical of my abrupt exit, implying that my disgust was caused by not getting the credit. As usual, he missed the point.

It is understandable in his case – he has spent almost 50 years in his ‘private Idaho, underground like a wild potato’ in his micro-ghetto of the church. There is a particular view he has of the quality of a man’s pulpit words that I cannot abide. This overblown view, both of his words and the nature of confessional standards carries into all his speech, and I suspect, and even against others’ confessions and commitments. I suspect he has become so used to his words and assertions going unchallenged (he’s used to being treated obsequiously) that he actually does believe what he tells himself. Believing first that he speaks for God even when not in the pulpit, because he doesn’t listen to others, misinterpreting others’ apathetic silence as agreement and admiration.

He is unaware, sure, but he’s still responsible. It’s also obvious he has always been a loner, working singly, without anyone TO lead, TO motivate or TO work with, much less having been required to understand his duty to show respect, support, and loyalty to those he leads.

These things (the narcissistic self-deception) contribute to why he is the worst leader I have ever served around. Self-promotion is his normal way of things; having a conversation with him is like interrupting someone. Whatever story he hears, he has a better one. He is unhesitant to speak about matters about which he has only the most peripheral understanding of, as he portrays himself as a legend in his own time. He seeks to dominate, not understand. He can’t even stop talking long enough to chew his food — don’t sit across from him in a restaurant, (or cover you food it you do – for he will ‘share’ his with you.

It was incredibly objectionable to watch him in that meeting as he insulted me by projecting his motive of self-promotion onto me. Had he asked a question of me — and generally, the people he has trained and worked around are very poor at asking about things before they speak on a matter — so if he would have asked a question or two, he would have discovered that he had missed the point ab out my final walking away from him. But asking questions would mean he actually wants to understand others, and actually seeks to have a place in his heart to uphold the dignity of others. A gaslighter (boor, braggart, bully, and buffoon) like him rarely has a place in his heart for anyone’s dignity but his own.