OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS : Just a thought.

Breathe in, Breathe out. Repeat as necessary. -Steven Wright, comedian.

Today my order of one 54″ x 18″ bedroom pillow arrived (conveniently I might add) from Yangtze.com. Yangtze is not actual name of the company, (you know what it is) but since Yangtze is named after a river, And the Yangtze River is in China, so I thought Yangtze might just be a better choice.

Back to my pillow. (heh) The packaging brought to mind the nearly unknown adage, “Looks like ten pounds of pillow in a five pound box.” Clearly, the company needs to keep the volume of the package on the smaller side. I don’t know if the company COULD have reduced the package size further, but they did not need to. I can testify to the “brickness” of the package, which possessed a density appoximizactly the same as a concrete foundation block.

As I removed the pillow from its packaging, I learned that the pillow company was kind enough to include a 9″ x 4″ card on which I found something called, “Operating Instructions.”

WOW. For a bedroom pillow. I did get misty, gotta say…

I am of the mind that I do not need to elaborate. “Absurdity is equipped with a loud voice, only the conscious can understand her; attempts to improve upon her are, well, absurd.”** The explanations I’m offering are actually longer than Instructions themselves. Here is the “gist” of the pillow’s “Operating Instructions,” containing three items, along with my commentary, which is based on ‘cutting-edge guesswork,’++ nearly reliable information, all painstakingly pondered:

1. Prepare your pillow. Evidently in some languages, ‘prepare’ means ‘open the packaging, punch the contents until the desired shape is achieved.’ There is also an Earth killing option in the Instructions for preparing the pillow which involves a clothes dryer set to no-heat, but that seems very complicated and less desirable because it involves no punching.
2. Adjust your pillow to your sleeping style. I was surprised by two things: I learned that I have a “style” in at least one activity in which I engage: my sleeping posture, or “style.” Apparently there are three (yea four) sleeping styles: Back, Stomach, and Side. The fourth style is called avec des enfants or ‘with little people,’ and has symptoms very similar to insomnia. Once you have received competent testimony from witnesses to your style you are ready to “adjust” the pillow. Here is the second thing that surprised me – pillows are adjustable, and I have been sleeping with an off-the-rack pillow for years. In the glory of the customized world, the pillow arrives pre-set to default setting: Side-sleeper. To adjust, remove the specified percentage of your pillow’s stuffing based on your sleeping style: 20% for Stomach Sleepers, 10% for Back Sleepers, and 0% for Sidewinders (again, the default). And sure, go ahead and keep the excess foam cubes in case you decide to convert to a different style-ism sometime in the future. (snicker, snicker)
3. …And if you have any questions about steps 1 or 2, call us. This is an optional part of the Instructions, as far as I can tell. I’m certain the pillow will work flawlessly without anyone contacting the company, but I am thinking of calling and letting them know that I have no questions about the Operating Instructions of my pillow, just to be clear.

** This quote is taken from the errant and troubled mind of yours truly.

++ This term, “cutting-edge guesswork,” was, I think, coined by Nick Page in his ‘A Nearly Infallible History of the Church.’ While Nearly Infallible is not really good textbook, it’s nonetheless a good book for no other reason than people who have read it, read it again. Why? because it’s self-deprecating and much more funner than other books on the subject — it even has pictures.