Easy Believe-ism, part 2 – Apologizing

I will admit that I have an aversion to using the word ‘apology’ to refer to anything that goes on during the reconciliation process.  I have come to see that apologizing is just the world’s substitute for forgiving.  The Word of God calls for forgiveness, the world settles for apologizing.   There is not so much as a single reference to apologizing when it comes to dealing sin between Christians.  The act of apologizing is not an admission of something, but an explanation of something.

Admittedly, the word “apology” is used in the bible –  but never in reference to the process of admitting wrong or asking for forgiveness– 

ἀπολογία, (apologia): a defense; as a legal technical term, a speech in defense of oneself; reply, verbal defense (2 Timothy 4:16 – Paul is referring to Alexander’s vigorous opposition to the gospel: “At my first defense no one supported me…”); also the word is used as a religious technical term to refer to the defense of the gospel message from false teaching; (Philippians 1.7: “For it is only right for me to feel this way about you all, because I have you in my heart, since both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers of grace with me.”)

When it comes to the gospel, explaining and defending it to the opponent is an apt use of apologizing.  When it comes to sin and peacemaking, however, apologizing is not the way. There is just no proper method to explain our sin as if there can be a logical or justifiable reason for it.  Apology for sin is the world’s way, forgiveness is God’s way.

The contrast between King Saul and King David is a great illustration of the difference between these two ways.  

In 1 Samuel 15, Saul apologizes to Samuel, explaining why he let the people take spoil from the Amalekites when God told him to uttering destroy all of them.  It is only when God takes his kingdom from him that Saul admits the sin, sadly too late.

On the other hand, we read in 2 Samuel 12:13, that when David is confronted by Nathan over his horrible sin with Bathsheba and against Uriah, he promptly admits his guilt: “I have sinned against the Lord.”

Apologies explain our feelings, “I’m sorry,” or apologies explain our actions, “I blew up because I wear my heart on my sleeve,” but that’s all they really do.  Forgiveness, however, involves not explaining, but confessing our sin and seeking forgiveness from another.  (Confess your sins one to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed, [restored], James 5:16) An apology, on the other hand, seeks no restoration or reconciliation, and does not ask the person receiving the apology to actually do anything.

In our world, apologizing has become a milder sort of thing where, typically one says, “I’m sorry.”  But to say “I’m sorry” and to say, “I sinned against God and you; will you forgive me?” are two very different things.

I understand that I can be a bit demanding and even a little nit-picky when I point out my objection to using the word  ‘apology.’ I’m not intending any triviality in that – it’s just that we ought to be careful to use biblical words and biblical actions when we go about seeking biblical things – things which are so all-fire important as reconciliation and forgiveness among ourselves.

I not saying whenever someone uses the “A-word” they are trying to excuse or justify their sin.  I’m just saying that we ought use biblical language and meaning rather than the world’s language.  Lately I have been more keenly aware of using careless and imprecise language myself – perhaps that’s why I am being such a stickler right now.  I’m realizing that I need to stop worrying about correcting and start applying more diligence to setting an example in this area.

Dr. Jay Adams has influenced my understanding on this matter (and a host of other matters) significantly.  In his book, From Forgiven to Forgiving, he offers a poignant illustration of the difference between apologizing and forgiving.  (p. 64):

”Think about what happens in each transaction someone apologizing says, “I’m sorry.”  What has he done?  Literally, all he is done is tell another how he feels.  He hasn’t asked anyone to do anything. When someone says I sinned; will you forgive me?  He is asking you or another to make a promise to bury the matter once and for all.  In apologizing no commitment is made, the matter is not resolved, and the one who has been wronged is not required to put the matter to rest.  He is probably glad for that fact because in apologizing the wrongdoer is not even admitted is wrong.  He has simply said he feels sorry about what happened.  The principal difference between the two is simply this: God requires a commitment on the part of both parties that brings the matter to a satisfactory end.  (We call this reconciliation.)  The world requires no such thing.

Picture the wrongdoer holding a basketball.  He apologizes saying “I’m sorry.”  The one offended shuffles his feet awkwardly.  It is always awkward to respond to an apology, because you are not asked to actually do anything, and yet some sort of response is expected.  The offended party says something inane like, “Well that’s okay.”  But it isn’t.  The matter has not been put to rest.  When you say the wrongdoing is okay you either lie or condone a wrong.  At the end of the transaction the wrongdoer is still holding the ball.

Now, consider forgiveness.  The wrongdoer comes with his basketball.  He says “I wronged you.  Will you forgive me?”  In so doing he tosses the ball to the other person.  He is freed of his burden.  Now, the burden for a response has shifted.  The one wronged is asked to do what God requires him to do.  He must either make the promise or risk offending God.  There may be an indecision on his part, but there is no awkwardness occasioned by unclarity.  He knows what the Bible expects of him.  When he says, I forgive you, he promises not to bring up the matter again.  The two have both made commitments.  The wrongdoer confessed to wrongdoing; he committed himself to that confession.  The offended party committed himself to burying the matter.  At the end of the transaction, the ball is tossed away and obligations concerning the matter are over and done with.  Both are free to be reconciled.  The matter has been set to rest.”

So, whenever you read in Christian books about apologizing (and you will) or hear Christians using this unbiblical substitute, make a correction in your mind.  Say to yourself,  “No.  Apologizing doesn’t do the trick.  It is the world’s unsatisfactory substitute that leaves the wrongdoer holding the ball.”